it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
