you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
