he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
