words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Randomize
