I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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