I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
