Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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