I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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