first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
