She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Can I color on your dick again?
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Randomize
