I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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