he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
