i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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