mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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