It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
