Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
