I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
