Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
It's blow job season.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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