I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Randomize
