he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Randomize
