I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
