It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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