Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
