my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
