before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Randomize
