Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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