you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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