get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Randomize
