I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize