Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
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