so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I love having hate sex.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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