It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
