i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
