you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
