i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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