It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
