PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize