Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
