seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
