finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
