you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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