Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
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