I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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