Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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