I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Randomize