If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
