Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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