he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
