I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
This is the high leading the old right now
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Randomize