They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Randomize
