I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
