I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
