She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
