Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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