guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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