Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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