guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Randomize