i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
