Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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