If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Do vagina's smell?
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
