The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
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