I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
