he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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