Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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