and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
she told me i tasted like america
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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