In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
His hands were made for my vagina.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
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