i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Randomize
