i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
is wine microwaveable?
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Randomize
