Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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